Friday, March 12, 2010

Hate be gone

Did anything ever happen to you that you just could not let go? I mean, did someone really stick it to you, stab you in the back or completely destroy your trust in mankind? Yeah, I figured as much.

So, that happened to me about 13-14 years ago. A person that I trusted the most just completely and utterly ruined my life. I have hated that person for such a long time. Laughed when I found out ill things happened to them shortly after and felt little vindication.

I really wanted that person's world to be shit. I wanted that person to live a long and miserable life. Well, I got my wish and it does not feel good.

That person got in touch with me this week after many, many years. Their life is completely destroyed, and they just came back from Iraq. Now, I am a veteran and I feel that no soldier should ever, EVER have to have their spouse destroy their relationship and life they built together over a 10 yr period, while the are DEPLOYED! Isn't it enough to just survive the day without worrying about your spouse cheating on you and going to jail and what will happen to your kid and why is there no money in the account?

So, that person got in touch with me because they feel that after all these years they are being punished for what they had done to me. I imagined a million times in my head what I would say to this person given the chance and this is what I said instead:

It's ok. I forgive you. As a matter of fact, somewhere deep down inside, I think I forgave you a really long time ago. People are not punished in life for their past deeds. Sometimes people just make really bad decisions and you get caught up in it. It's not karma, it's not fate, it's just life. I'm sorry too. Remember this conversation because one day, you'll probably be on the same end of it that I am today.

So I have quit hating my ex husband. I worry more now for his sanity and how he will raise his little girl. I am encouraging him to get counseling because he is a war vet and now soon to be a divorcee again. Good luck to him and thank him so much more for forgiving me because I really needed to be forgiven for my own ill will towards him.


  1. Yes, I had an ex destroy my life financial, as well as destroy any confidence I had about myself. I haven't fully recovered from that, and unfortunately still am wishing ill on him (but I'm trying to stop doing that). As I've gotten older I'm starting to believe more in karma. Aside from the money he owes me (over 25K) I would be much happier if he would admit what he had done and apologize to me. That would go a long way, I think.

  2. All I wanted was an apology all these years for the financial debt, the lying, and cheating and emotional abuse he put me through and then I finally got it and it was not satisfying because it doesn't matter anymore. I've moved on and I am happy with my husband so I am not wishing him ill with someone who he thought he found happiness with the last 10 yrs. Karma was his second wife, this third wife stuff where he has tried to be a good man, father and husband is just unjust at this point.

  3. mmm...I don't know. It seems the third time around he was truly in your shoes...enough to call and apologize. We get back what we put out and I do believe in Karma, or at least in the subconsciouses ability to hunt out self retribution. It doesn't mean you don't feel extreme empathy, because you have been in his shoes. You know how he feels.
    I think it's God's way of healing a deep wound in both of you. Obviously he knew what he did and felt guilt. Sometimes people seek out bad situations to punish themselves, subconsiously. Now that he feels he has 'paid his debt' and apologized, he may be able to move on with his own life and find someone he loves and someone who loves him back. And this time, he will feel like he deserves to.
    As for raising his little girl. At least he has custody. He can do this, and maybe you could be supportive and encouraging in that way.
    Great post.

  4. Wow. Great post. Yes I have someone did something that I can't let go. Someone who left me with complete trust issues and so much more. I still haven't moved on, I still have yet to forgive and I'll never forget.

    I really think this is part of my problem with my weight..Something I have to work through.

  5. Good for you! I really believe it takes a strong person to forgive the unforgivable. I have chosen to do the same to a couple of people in my life - mainly my mother. If anything, it puts me at ease knowing I have accepted the past and am not holding on to it. You have done an amazing thing.